I love this Veterans Day, um, spoof, which appeared in my inbox:
On this day, we honor the brave men and women who have served our
country so well in our armed forces.
When I think about all of sacrifices that our troops have been asked to make over the past year, I realize how lucky I am that so many Americans are like me and don’t read newspapers. Because if more Americans … were more informed on how I’ve have been treating our troops, there’s no way I could be elected dogcatcher, much less Commander in Chief of the U.S. Armed Forces.
I mean, during the Iraq War alone, I:
* Pawned-off responsibility for the premature “Mission Accomplished” celebration aboard the U.S.S. Lincoln back in May onto the crew of the aircraft carrier (it was my political strategist Karl Rove’s idea all along)
* Refused to include any cut in the taxes the troops pay on their disability payments in my parade of massive tax cuts (after all, it’s not like they are in the top 1% income bracket or anything like that)
* Forced soldiers to pay for their own plane tickets back to the U.S.
* Planned so badly for the war that the families of some soldiers have had to ante up and pay for their own bullet-proof vests and communications equipment
* Shot down Congress’s attempt to put extra health insurance benefits for the troops in my $87 billion request (I mean, that would have to cut into Halliburton’s take)
* Refused to attend a single funeral for a fallen soldier or meet with a single American who lost a limb in Iraq – except on September 11th, when I could pretend yet again that this Iraq War has some relationship to 9/11 (anyway, I have Cher to take care of all that meeting-the-guys-with-no-arms stuff)
And by launching an unprovoked attack against the government of a Muslim country, I have plunged American soldiers into a scenario in which they have to work extra hard to win hearts and minds of the local population by:
* Frisking and handcuffing 5-year-old girls
* Dropping bombs on a village just to show the locals who the baddest MF’s on the block are
* Shooting and killing local police officers and even a member of the local governing council that we had appointed
When you combine all of that with the fact that I lied to the American people about the nature of the threat Saddam Hussein allegedly posed and the fact that I was a deserter from the National Guard in 1972, it’s a
miracle that anyone in the military or anyone related to anyone in the military still supports me. And I am thankful for that.
It’s also a good thing that the military is disproportionately composed of my fellow good-ol’ boys from the South. They (the white ones, at least) have already shown – by ignoring the detrimental effects my tax cuts will have on their children in a few years, for example – that they are more than willing to continue supporting me and my party no matter how badly we screw them over.
And it’s a good thing that all those blacks that make up such a large proportion of the military are probably going to vote Democrat anyway.
The end result is that two of the biggest groups getting crushed by my disastrous handling of our armed forces are either a) probably going to vote for me no matter what, or b) probably not going to vote for me no matter what. So I can’t lose.
But enough about me. To the troops in Iraq hoping to live long enough to become veterans, I’d like to say: hang tough. We may be getting you out of there soon. Last week the Defense Department posted a notice on its website asking for local draft boards to begin staffing up. If enough of your fellow Americans continue to treat me like the thoughtful, honest, sincere, and strong leader that I obviously am not, I’ll be able to
slide the draft right under their noses.
Then in a few years, we’ll have a lot more veterans to honor on Veterans’ Day.
Bring ’em on!
Not particularly nice, but funny. And hell, it’s my birthday. I am old and deserve a wee bit of fun.