Found this on the Armchair Activist list (thanks, JN!) and just had to share. It’s called “Things Republicans Believe” and can be found at other places on the ‘Net. And it’s a joke, we know there are GOPsters who don’t fit these beliefs, OK? We kid because we are terrified and imperiled and generally pissed off.
Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:
* Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
* Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
* The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
* A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind without regulation.
* The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
* If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
* A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
* Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
* HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart, as do oil companies.
* Global warming is junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
* A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
* Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
* The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
* Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
* What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.